So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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