I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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