our cab driver is having phone sex.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
