Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
