we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize