Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
