hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
