The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
