I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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