It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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