Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
