you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
