it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
