Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
