Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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