i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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