I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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