i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
