Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
