is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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