My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
