I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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