he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
