I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
