So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
