my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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