he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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