8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Let's paint friendship bongs
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Randomize
