You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
