It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize