Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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