..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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