Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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