I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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