Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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