Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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