bring money and cleavage
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
