I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
