walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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