I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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