i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
