Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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