a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize