i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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