I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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