Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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