I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
