Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
