They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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