im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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