some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize