well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
