I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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