I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
