guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
