That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
