I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
