You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
