oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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