Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
