Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
