LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
