The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
