So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
