1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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